As a kid, I’ve always found myself stuck staring off to space with thoughts surrounding my head like a tornado, about love. Where does it come from? How do I get it? I always felt as if it was never there for me and I wasn’t even sure if I had it. Will I ever find it? I know I’m young but it always seemed to bother me that even people my age or younger found love, even cats and dogs. Silly right? I tried telling myself that love will come one day but then that led me to wonder:
“how long?”
I didn’t have friends; I got bullied a lot and then the more I thought about it, the more I realized how lonely I felt. When I saw how easy it was for my sister to make friends, my emotions went from curious, to rage, to desperation. I wasn’t mad at her, I was mad at myself for being the way I was and that I couldn’t fix it. In middle school, I found friends that I made the best memories with, friends I found love with so I thought it was a start.
Looking for love as a teenager is something I think we all think about. For me, boyfriends became a focus. As I look back to some of those choices and situations, I learned that I needed something better for myself. I was able to recognize when things were not quite right and I knew when it was time to leave and move on, though it caused me some regret and pain along the way. After trying to find love in all the wrong places, I took a break and sought advice from my friends. When I talked to my feisty sister, she told me about self love and how I needed to find it so I would not have to look in all these other places. That conversation changed me.
I came to realize that I’m filled with alot of love just by the way I love other people. My feelings are attached to relationships, and that shows me that I am sensitive to how I am treated and how others should be treated. Many times in my life, I would have trouble speaking up when I saw something wrong, and I have gone back and forth with confidence and letting people walk all over me. I would shut down often, and found myself unable to advocate for myself.
Once I turned 17-year-old, I felt like something different was happening. I started focusing on myself and my future career and what I needed to get where I wanted to go. So I started off small by changing my habits. I focused more on God, prayed more, engaged in more school activities, and tried different sports. That’s when I discovered that I needed to be more patient with myself and take my time. I felt God slowly take the weight off my shoulders and I knew something better was coming. I just needed to wait because everything takes time and when you wait long enough and believe, changes will come when they are supposed to. This journey has taught me to have love, care, and patience.